Honestly, this ignorance I have of your identity scares me. In fact, I know you are judging me. All the words I use, whether they're spelled correctly, whether my punctuation is perfect, whether you connect with what I'm saying... all of these factors and how you perceive them and then react to them usually give me my own sense of identity. --And that is what I'm trying to break away from. And it is why I am writing this blog: to finally be free of "you", of your opinion of me. Free to be me.
Most of the time I weigh my audience very carefully and say only the things I know won't rock the boat. If you're my friend on Facebook, and if you pay attention, my status updates are usually very bland and not very personal. So many times I've wanted to break free and just say what I want to say. But then I stop, and I think to myself, "What if so-and-so reads this? What will they think?" And then I don't write it because I hate to cause ripples. And my thoughts go unsaid because, what will "you" think of me?
I have become a really private person these last few years. I wasn't always so censored. I think it really settled over me when I started working at Reflections for Youth. As a policy, we weren't allowed to share personal information with the kids, especially religious beliefs. Considering that my religious beliefs are 100% who I am, I always felt like I had to be someone else and pretend like I saw the whole world differently than I really do. This is a huge reason that I quit my job at RFY. I just couldn't NOT be a Christian. Everything I do and think is permeated with God's Word and his Spirit. Being quiet about it wasn't working, and I violated the policy all the time and then I'd worry about being fired for sharing the only hope I know with these kids. It was also incredibly torturous to sit and watch RFY come up with various programs that they thought would provide the kids with the correct "behavior modification" system. Oh man! If they only knew GOD. He is the only behavior modification system that works! And I couldn't just sit there while they tried and tried (and failed and failed) to mold these kids into "good" kids. All I feel like we taught them, on a large scale, was how not to get caught and how to be people-pleasers to get what you want and get out... We always used the phrase "fake it to make it". I know I sound sort of cynical. And I know that God has, does, and will work within whatever system is put in place, which is why I stayed there for so long.
But I live in AMERICA! I can write this Blog and shout the name of Jesus as loudly as I want and pray publicly, and talk to people on the street about Him and post on my Facebook that he is the only good thing about this whole world. And I will. And that's what I'm doing with this Blog. I WILL PROCLAIM HIS NAME. I WILL GLORIFY JESUS CHRIST AS THE ONLY SAVIOR, and THE SON OF THE ONLY HIGH GOD.
And you won't get an apology from me this time for ruffling your feathers. If your feathers are ruffled, don't read my blog. :)
With all the Holy Love in the world,
Andrea C. Skerry
